his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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