I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
