You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize
