When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
