So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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