real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
