She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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