put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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