i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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