Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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