Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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