M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
