The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Mom said you looked used
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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