My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Come on in and take your pants off
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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