I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
