Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
