Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
