Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
