I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
