at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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