My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
