That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
