i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
