If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk is not a location!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
