after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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