I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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