How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
