Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
