So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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