It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I am available for nakedness
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
