Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
