Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
