I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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