If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
