What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
