the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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