whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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