if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Drunk is a universal language darling
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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