why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
