Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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