Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
