I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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