He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
