you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
