he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
