i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Randomize
