Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
