OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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