hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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