Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
