Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
