Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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