You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
